You were that uninvited guest in my once hollow heart that was bereft of promising lines, and any ray of a new sunshine. Gradually however, I watched you become a permanent resident of it, and eventually making it your abode. Unknowingly, I did give a nod to that unheard agreement, and just like that, you turned from a tenant to the impressive but capable owner of my then fragile but healing heart. Some four months back, when you were just a name to me, I never envisioned a bond with you, that would be strong enough to let our vulnerable selves collide yet survive so gracefully. Slowly but steadily, I began to live my life the way I was meant to. All of the sudden, the unfolding of an ordinary love felt like an exceptional show of affection, perhaps because I was never exposed to the true essence of intimacy, and fondness.
I don’t think you would ever realize the weight of the ascendancy of good that you continue to have, over the evil in me. You’ve not just settled in the deepest reaches of my heart, but also taken up residence in the empty spaces that were left inside of me, and my relationships. You didn’t just become a potential lover, and a crazy romantic, but the only bosom buddy, my confidant, and the safe place I’d return to whenever I’d be tormented by the ravages of time. As and when I grew up into this scarred young woman, deeply disturbed by the downsides of friendships, family, and line of work, I correspondingly also envied happy relationships, growing friendships, and exciting family reunions, wishing someday I’d see the same in mine. Somehow in the span of these few months, you showed me that was still a possibility.
In the smallest of moments that I got to spend with you, I very proudly express that I have had the chance to rebuild better and matchless memories that can never be compared. It has been a journey of both growth and lessons. I learnt to find happiness in speaking to father on call without sensing any discomfort in myself. I learnt to appreciate every slightest act of kindness by a stranger. I learnt to save up, so I could afford my needs and not spoil myself with irrelevant materialistic possessions. I learnt to look forward to meeting my family. I learnt to take a step back and work to build a life that would serve both of us in the best of ways. I learnt to differentiate between faces that once looked so familiar to me. I learnt to speak for myself, and speak on the face of those who constantly bogged me down with their sharp, prickly sentences that pierced my soul frequently. You taught me so much that over these few months; I could feel my inner self transform- into someone who now wished for growth.
I knew there was an unmatched comfort in the sound of heavily pouring rain, as I would sit alone and watch the sky turn soft grey. But I never knew the beauty of silence when I sat at the same spot holding your hand, as the chilly wind caused my insides to shiver just a little, and the rain grew heavier. The gargantuan trees would swing from left to right, as though signaling the advent of a thunderstorm. Yet everything would feel so tranquil, and I’d develop a love for monsoon. I knew English music was one of my greatest choices, but never imagined I’d someday build myself a playlist of Punjabi beats, and catch myself grooving to its rhythm. I knew I was heartbroken and brutally shattered into a zillion pieces, but I never realized the most powerful humans were those who had been broken a thousand times over.
My experiences in this lifetime have made me acknowledge one true thing about the present. And that is, no matter how old you grow up to be, your number of ordeals and extent of suffering shapes you into a level-headed human, who is now much considerate and evolved. And the day I came to know of you, and your encounters with life’s most cruelest and deadly battles, I reckoned that you finally declared peace for yourself, as the fresh wounds reminded you of the constant agony. It wasn’t that your bruises were healing, but you eventually began to look for effective remedies, rather than addressing the same pain all over again. You still hurt, you still sobbed each night, you still visited the past whenever you could, you still camouflaged your existing trauma with the color of boiling anger, but nevertheless you put on that lively smile, and walked through life with a puffed up chest, knowing full well that someday you’d be completely free. All you had to do was keep looking for the cure, and one fine morning, you’d not have to look anymore. Peace would consume you entirely. That was when I cognized that even though I was in love with a man a year younger than me, he lived a life that had been much older than mine, and his heart was like the ripened mango that grew even sweeter, after months of being left alone to mature, as the glimmering sun and the heavy winds watched it grow nice and firm. The pit at the center is not tough anymore, but soft and tender. That was when I knew, that whatever comes next in life, I want you to run your fingers through my hair, hold my face in your somewhat rough but warm hands and look me in the eyes, plant a kiss on my forehead as you read my mind with devotion, and pull me close to your chest, as if reassuring me that this is going to last forever.
The common perils of every bond of love translate into distance, lack of time, and gradually diminishing communication. But with you in my life, I have begun to realize why some of it is inevitably a part of our communion. To speak in your words, this is our time to build ourselves the incredibly amazing future that would see us as partners bonded by the promise of eternal love. You and I have a few years at hand, no matter the inevitable distance, zeroing down of communication, or the paucity of quality time. And in this few months, we could make a promise of a lifetime of togetherness, since we’re onboard, building ourselves the happy live that we want to live, hand in hand, travelling the world in the brightest colors, and creating newer memories to be added to another album! Life seems so beautiful with you.
They say love is about attachments, a deeper sense of intimacy, and an unparalleled connection between two souls. Love to me however, is all about the readiness and eagerness to work for a shared fate, in which the blues never get a chance to knock on our door again. Love is about giving in everything, so it all lasts forever.
So after it all, it is to you that I say, don’t ever talk of leaving your home, that others would call my heart. You’ve built your space and taken up all rooms, and now you’ll have to stay. I’m sure you know the pain of leaving, when the place is drowning with your memories. I’m sure you know how abandoned it feels, when a house is stripped off its family. It would no longer remain a home, but merely an empty place that would reminisce the good times, and hope for you to come back. Just like a family holds on together, even when the world conspires against them, I want you to hold onto me just the same, for now my love for you no longer knows any bounds. It keeps soaring each day, and it would cause me death if someday I’m asked to bottle it all up. I’d look for you in heaven even then, for I know that overwhelming love would still be alive in me. Now tell me, would you still stay?
Reflections of the eccentric bard! 